It’s the first Raw of the New Year! Much to our surprise the show kicks off with a brand new open. It features the same theme song, but with a much better video. After the pyro goes off, we see that the entire WWE roster is in the ring. John Cena grabs the mic and tells us that The Authority order everyone to the ring so they could address the roster. Before that happens, Cena decides to take a moment to apologize to everyone. Before Cena can finish is thought, Triple H and Stephanie interrupt him.
Steph and Triple H are smiling from ear to ear. The roster does not look amused. Triple H and Steph call out Seth Rollins and thank him for being the reason they are back in power. If anyone ever doubted that Rollins was the top heel in the company, he is clearly the most hated man in WWE at this point. Triple H tells Rollins that as a thank you, Rollins is being added to world title match at the Royal Rumble. The main event is now Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins. Didn’t see that coming. Steph tells Cena that they are so appreciative of his effort that tonight is now John Cena appreciation night!
Triple H goes on to say that this is going to be a new era for The Authority. No hidden agendas. Everyone will get what the truly deserve. So naturally, he tells Dolph Ziggler not to leave the ring because he is going to defend the IC title against the man who never lost it, Bad News Barrett. What a way to open the show. We all know that there is going to be a series of revenge matches made to punish everyone who stood with Team Cena. The interesting thing here is that Steph and Triple H both attempted to needle in the point that Cena brought them back because he wanted to, not because Edge was under direst. This may be a theme moving forward. Stay tuned.
Intercontinental Title Match: Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Bad New Barrett-
Not surprisingly, Barrett is in firm control at the start of the match. Ziggler drops Barrett after an amazing drop kick. Ziggler tries a leapfrog in the corner, but Barrett kick him in the chest. Barrett sets up winds of change, but Ziggler counters it into a crucifix pin for the win! Didn’t see that coming.
Dolph Ziggler defeated Bad New Barrett via pin fall.
After the match Barrett destroys Ziggler outside of the ring. Interestingly enough, Barrett focuses his attack on Ziggler’s shoulder. This beating went on for at least five minutes, with no officials or referees coming out to break it up. Kane comes out and tells everyone that they forgot to mention this is actually a two-out–of-three falls match. Gee, didn’t see that coming.
Intercontinental Title Match: Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Bad New Barrett (Take Two!)-
Barrett hits Wasteland and gets a quick pin.
Tied 1-1
The trainers are finally able to check on Ziggler. He is in bad shape. Barrett hits Wasteland again, but Ziggler kicks out. Barrett is relentless. Using the ropes to his advantage choking and Ziggler from multiple positions. Kane is watching the match from outside the ring, so expect more shenanigans to ensue. Barrett goes for the Bull Hammer, but Ziggler ducks and floors Barrett with a super kick. Barrett kicks out at two. Kane gets up on the apron and Ziggler super kicks him. Barrett hits the Bull Hammer for the win. Barrett is a five-time IC champion. Amazing.
Bad News Barrett defeated Dolph Ziggler via shenanigans… err pin fall.
Ziggler has the worst luck. Could he be being built up to take Daniel Bryan’s ultimate underdog role? As the days pass, this writer is starting to like Ziggler’s chances in the Rumble.
Another nonsensical Bray Wyatt promo… Why can’t they just let Wyatt and Ambrose fight? Does their ambulance match need further setting up? One of the worst things about a three hour wrestling show is it’s a three hour wrestling show. Three hours is way too much time to fill.
Tag Team Match: The Ascension vs. Jobber Three and Jobber Four-
The Ascension cut a promo pretty much coping to the being LOD clones. Booker T and JBL took exception to their comments and spent the entire five minutes The Ascension were in the ring throwing serious shade at them. Could have sworn the announcers were supposed to try to get young talent over, but JBL and Booker T “Either’d” (Google it) The Ascension. Oh, The Ascension won after hitting Fall of Man.
The Ascension defeated Jobber Three and Jobber Four via pin fall.
Singles Match: Roman Reigns vs. The Big Show-
So will we not be seeing these two at the ppv? This is the second Raw in a row that these two have faced off. Big Show destroys Reigns with a Spear, but Reigns John Cenas (kicks out at two). Big Show slams Reigns to the mat and then steps on Reign’s stomach. Targeting Reign’s stomach is extremely intelligent on Big Show’s end. Reigns did have surgery on it a few months ago. Reigns finally mounts some offense, sending Big Show to the mat with a huge clothesline, then a massive Samoan drop. Reigns tries the Superman Punch, but Big Show catches Reigns mid air and sends him over the top rope. Big Show hits Reigns in the head with the steel steps and is DQ’d.
Roman Reigns defeated The Big Show via Disqualification.
After the match Big Show tries to continue the beat down. He picks up the steel steps once again, but Reigns Spears him before he can attack. The steps fall right on Big Show’s head. If you were wondering, it was quite hilarious!
Divas Match: Nikki Bella (c) vs. Natalya-
Before the match can get started, Paige comes out to the ring. She embraces Nattie and is going to be in Nattie’s corner for the match. Apparently something happened on Total Divas that… that… Zzzzzzzzzzz
Sorry about that. Good back and forth match. Nattie tires to lock in the Sharpshooter, but Nikki fights out of it. Outside the ring, Paige and Brie get into it. Paige sends Brie into the barricade. Nikki gets distracted which allows Nattie to roll up Nikki from behind for the win!
Natalya defeated Nikki Bella via pin fall.
As always this match was super short, but fun no the less. Nattie and Paige are the top tier divas so anything they are involved in is usually pretty good. The jury is still out on the Bellas. For every step they take forward they end up taking 10 steps back.
Singles Match: Eric Rowen vs. Luke Harper-
Jeez, this writer is having flashbacks from this past week’s Smackdown review: No! Just No! Why are these two fighting on Raw with no build? Who booked this crap? Eden announces that J and J Security will be the refs for this match. Oh, it’s hard not to see where this is going. Rowen goes for a pin, but the J and J argue about who is going to count. Rowen yells at J and J, but turns around and walks right into a Spinning Lariat by Harper.
Luke Harper defeated Eric Rowen via pin fall.
After the match Harper and J and J wail on Rowen for good measure.
Backstage Alicia Fox attacks Naomi… For some reason Cameron is kind of sort of there to check on Naomi. Did creative forget these two hate each other? So confusing.
It’s 9:40 Eastern time. They are backing the ambulance up to the stage. Your favorite writer needs your help on this one: they have been hyping this match for a week straight and it is happening before the 10:00pm mark? Anybody have the foggiest idea why this isn’t the main event? If you happen to figure that out, please let us know in the comments below. We love hearing from you guys.
Ambulance Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt-
As Wyatt makes his way down the ramp, can’t help but wonder if WWE has decided if Wyatt is a heel or a face. Lord only knows what the heck they are doing with him. This shouldn’t be surprising, but Ambrose is all over Wyatt. He sends him over the top rope and tosses him over the announce table. Naturally, Ambrose takes Wyatt over the barricade as well. Ambrose beats Wyatt all the way to the ambulance. He tries to send Wyatt in, but Wyatt tosses him in. Ambrose kicks Wyatt in the face to avoid being lock in the ambulance. Ambrose pulls two tables out of the ambulance. Wyatt slams the ambulance door on Ambrose’s leg.
Wyatt continues to work on Ambrose’s leg. The irony here is that this is a garbage match, but Wyatt is working a body part. Stone Cold Steve Austin must be shaking his head wherever he is right now. Wyatt is about to hit Sister Abigail, but Ambrose reverses and levels Wyatt with a clothesline. Ambrose is hopping on one leg. This is the definition of selling an injury. Some of the wrestlers in the back should take notes. Ambrose’s flurry of offense is short lived, as Wyatt attacks Ambrose’s injured knee. Wyatt drags Ambrose back to the ambulance and sets up a table.
Ambrose lays Wyatt on the table. Ambrose climbs to the top of the ambulance and dives of with a Cactus Jack-like elbow drop to Wyatt. Ambrose tries to drag Wyatt into the ambulance, but Wyatt hits Sister Abigail into the ambulance. Wyatt tries to put Ambrose into the ambulance but Ambrose fights out of it. Wyatt hits a second Sister Abigail on the concrete floor before finally locking Ambrose into the ambulance for the win.
Bray Wyatt defeated Dean Ambrose via ambulancality?
That was a really fun match. Ambrose and Wyatt did everything they could to take a silly match concept and make it interesting. As expected, Ambrose and Wyatt delivered.
Where does this episode go from here? What can the possibly do to top what we just witnessed?
*Sigh*
Six Person Tag Match: The Usos and Naomi vs. The Miz, Mizdow, and Alicia Fox-
Talk about being set up to fail. Naomi runs straight at Alicia. She floors her with a Thez press and multiple strikes. Alicia gets to her corner as soon as possible to tag in Miz. She has had enough. Mizdow is all over the place. How hilarious is it that Mizdow is better at being Miz than Miz is? A “Miz, you suck!” chant breaks out, which is fitting. Miz rolls up Jimmy out of nowhere for the win.
The Miz, Mizdow, and Alicia Fox defeated The Usos and Naomi via tight-pull-ality (Might have to make this a new gimmick! All matches ended in an –ality!).
Looks like it is almost main event time!
Singles Match: Seth Rollins vs. Ryback-
How much of a match is this going to be? Between Rusev wanting a piece of Ryback and Rollins issues with John Cena this match is bound to end in a shenanigan-ality. And right on cue Kane comes out and lets everyone know that he forgot once again to tell us that this match is actually a handicap match.
Singles Match: Handicap Match: Seth Rollins and Kane vs. Ryback-
Rollins and Kane take turns beating the breaks of Ryback. Every time Ryback makes any headway, the other member of the heel team gets involved. Ryback sends Kane over the top rope, then he send Rollins over the top rope and a huge “Feed me more” chant breaks out. You know what? Forget this…
Fast Forwards…
Rollins Curb Stomps Ryback twice for the win. Moving on…
After the match Cole and JBL sell the fact that it took two Curb Stomps to put down Ryback. They really are building up Ryback to be a Superman. Surprisingly, there was no interference by Rusev but it is becoming more and more obvious that Ryback is going to be the next United States Champion.
Singles Match: Adam Rose vs. Big E. w/Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston-
Nope. Not doing it. I love Big E., Kingston, and Woods way too much to even acknowledge the abortion that is The New Day. This has to be a record, but…
Fast Forwards…
Big E. is about to pin Rose, when two of the Rosebuds attack all three members of The New Day. After decimating Big E., the two Rosebuds take off their mask to reveal that they are actually Cesaro and Tyson Kidd! Crappy gimmicks aside, a feud between The New Day/Cesaro and Kidd would be amazing. Those five guys are some of the best talents WWE has to offer (notice Rose was not mentioned).
John Cena Appreciation Night Celebration-
Steph talk about how important John Cena has been to WWE for the past 10 years (yes it has been that long). Steph introduces the man of the hour, John Cena. Even money says this does not end well for Cena. Cena looks miserable. Steph tells Cena that he is her hero. Triple H essentially says the same thing. It is almost as if the Authority is trying to force a Cena heel turn which would be brilliant.
Triple H says he is going to bring out some people that should appreciate Cena at this point. Triple H brings out all the members of Team Cena. They all look worst for the wear. Triple H and Steph talk about giving each member of the team different length suspensions. Triple H and Steph say they need to talk about how long the suspensions need to be. Triple H and Steph leave the ring and fire Eric Rowen, Dolph Ziggler and Ryback. The Authority tells them to thank John Cena. The show ends with balloons and confetti dropping from the ceiling. What a way to end the show.
What happens now? Stay tuned folks!